When The Ex-Husband Has A Girlfriend

I can’t communicate for each divorce,  however what I see so usually in newly separated {couples} is fairly widespread:  the ex-husband has a girlfriend quickly after the couple decides to get divorced and/or separates.  No matter who needed the divorce, the man often leads to a relationship immediately. And, this leaves his soon-to-be ex spouse infuriated. I skilled this personally.

You could be questioning, ‘Why would the spouse be infuriated (and even care in any respect) if she is the one who determined she needed the divorce?’ There are a lot of attainable causes.


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Listed below are some emotions an individual might need when studying her ex-husband has a girlfriend:


1. Shock.

Men and women course of divorce in a different way, with ladies usually selecting to attend an extended time period earlier than courting. A person may get into a brand new relationship to numb the ache he’s feeling in regards to the divorce, to ease loneliness, and/and even as a subliminal strategy to get again at his ex who left him.

Or, possibly despite the fact that it was his spouse who left, the person was lonely and felt alone for years. So now, he’s experiencing happiness from a lady who’s exhibiting him love. Regardless of the purpose the ex-husband will get a girlfriend,  the ex-wife is in shock.

I can attest to this sense firsthand, however now, wanting again, I’m sort of questioning why I used to be so shocked. My ex wasn’t doing something incorrect. We have been separated so he wasn’t dishonest. We each knew the wedding was over. However on the time, it appeared very unusual my jaw was on the bottom once I discovered he had a girlfriend.


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2. Anger.

I’ve seen ladies turn out to be livid once they discover out their ex-husband has a girlfriend. Not simply livid, loopy livid. Enraged livid. And what’s unhealthy about that’s that the authorized battle, which could have been amicable, abruptly turns into a lot extra contentious. The offers which can be already on the desk can fall via, with the girl placing her feelings earlier than practicality and making divorce selections primarily based on her newfound hatred for her ex, as a result of he’s now courting one other lady and appears joyful.

She may change her place on financial issues, or the worst, attempt to limit her ex from seeing the children. It’s sick, I do know. However I’ve seen it occur. The anger is obstructing any sense of excellent choice making.


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3. Jealousy.

Being newly separated makes women and men really feel damaged. And when a lady feels that approach, the very last thing on her thoughts is getting right into a relationship. So, she will be able to’t perceive how her ex-husband might do it. And, possibly there is part of her who desires to be in a relationship, so she is jealous of his newfound, giddy high-school sort happiness, but doesn’t wish to date for herself.

4. Resentment and bitterness.

This can be a large one, which I can greatest describe with this reader’s touch upon Divorced Lady Smiling:

I used to be the one to have the children, get the stretch marks, make do whereas his profession expanded. I left after 25 years, since we hadn’t actually talked for the previous 10 of them. We by no means fought.

So now after an extended profitable profession (by ignoring me and dealing at residence at night time), and attempting {couples} remedy, we’re divorced and SHE will get the now speaking, now time taking, now wealthy man who was mine for thus lengthy.

I hate her for having fun with the fruits of MY labor.

What I’ve to say to this lady is, I completely perceive how you’re feeling. I actually do. It’s hurtful and it appears unfair. However, here’s what you may not be seeing:

1. You’re the one who left.

Don’t neglect that. You and your ex hadn’t talked in 10 years and then you definitely requested him for a divorce. Did you anticipate him to take a seat round and mourn the divorce? It feels like each of you may have been doing that for 10 years. It’s an excellent factor that you just left! As a result of despite the fact that it’s unfair, what do. you suppose would have modified? Nothing.

2.  Why do you resent that he turned profitable?

Are you solely chargeable for his skilled success? I don’t suppose so. Sure, you supported him emotionally, took care of the home and children, and many others. but when he turned successful, he should have earned it by placing in lengthy hours on the workplace and dealing his butt off. Proper? Additionally, you may turn out to be profitable in a profession, as effectively. I do know you may not suppose so proper now, however ladies I do know (together with myself) went again to work late in life and ended up having a profitable and really fulfilling profession. I began a brand new profession at 51, fyi.



3. She will get the now speaking, time taking, wealthy man, you write.

I perceive your emotions. I actually do. However, you may have in all probability modified for the higher as effectively. So, your ex-husband has a girlfriend and he or she is getting one of the best model of him, however somebody you ultimately meet will get one of the best model of you. Folks develop and study from a divorce—one of many good issues that come out of it. We’re higher folks in our subsequent relationship. So make the most of what you may have discovered and be a greater companion for another person. You deserve it!

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I keep in mind going out on one among my first dates after I used to be separated, and I used to be complaining to the man about how my ex was already in a relationship. The man stated to me, “Properly, what’s stopping you from doing the identical factor? Why do you care what he’s doing? If you would like that, what are you ready for?”

On the time I used to be very offended at his feedback, however after awhile, I spotted he was proper. Why was I so offended and bitter? My being alone was my alternative. When two folks get divorced they begin to journey on their very own roads. They drive additional and additional aside till they’re going in utterly completely different instructions.

In different phrases, after we turn out to be separated, (with the intent of divorce) we’re accountable just for our personal happiness, and we have now no management (and we shouldn’t need it) for our ex and his love life. By the best way, not more than a month later, I met somebody and had a 3 month romance that was enjoyable and refreshing and really endearing.


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In closing, what I wish to say to ladies that when the ex-husband has a girlfriend I do know it hurts like hell. It appears unjust. Unfair. He damage you. You may really feel such as you wasted years of your life. Why does he get to have a lot happiness so quickly? Why does the brand new lady get to learn from the brand new him? I get that. However, that’s utterly the incorrect approach to take a look at it.

Keep in mind your personal street and journey it. Life is such a present and also you now have the liberty to search out your personal happiness. In different phrases, don’t fear about him. Deal with you (and your youngsters, in fact.)

I do wish to add that individuals don’t change of their core, so there are specific issues which may have actually bothered you, that she is getting. This will embrace: a heavy drinker, somebody who doesn’t deal with somebody with respect, a gambler, somebody who can’t talk effectively. In different phrases, except he goes to remedy and will get assist for his points, he could be on his greatest habits for awhile with this new particular person, however the true him will come out. So, don’t suppose they’ll be blissful and by no means have issues.

Additionally, by leaping right into a relationship, he hasn’t labored on himself and hasn’t mourned or taken time to grieve the divorce. I’m not saying that’s the rationale his relationship will fail, however it would positively affect it in some unspecified time in the future.

In closing, in case your ex already has a girlfriend, don’t fear a lot about HIM and suppose he’s blissful and life is ideal. There’s much more to the story that you just aren’t seeing. You simply give attention to your self and what you need throughout and after the divorce. Preserve being one of the best mother you may be and get the assistance and assist you want, and issues have a approach of figuring out.


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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Lady Smiling is right here to empower, join and encourage you. Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Lady Smiling, the positioning, the podcast and the app. A former tv journalist and newspaper options reporter, Pilossoph can also be the creator of 4 novels and the author of her weekly relationship column, Love Primarily. Pilossoph holds a Masters diploma in journalism and lives in Chicago together with her two youngsters.

The creator of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph additionally writes the weekly courting and relationships recommendation column, “Love Essentially”, revealed within the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune on-line. Moreover, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters diploma in journalism from Boston University.