A Low cost Divorce Horror Story

The outdated saying “You get what you pay for” usually applies to low cost divorce
alternate options. Whereas most individuals assume they will keep away from excessive authorized charges and save
time through the use of a paralegal or different service to finish their divorce, they usually
face surprising issues alongside the best way. The story under illustrates why
typically it is higher to rent an expert within the first place.


By Rocky Lang

Did you ever think about getting a divorce was harder than the wedding that obtained you there? Properly, it occurred to me. 

After a decade of darkness with the spouse of the brand new millennium, the 2 of us agreed that our lives had been price saving and to be able to live on we would have liked to get away from one another. Agreeing that it made no sense to pay costly attorneys, we settled our personal affairs and determined to take a budget method out…a paralegal service that will file the divorce papers for a price and we’d be completed. 

Slam dunk child! My marriage wasn’t going into additional time… I used to be ending the sport. Swish!

Sign advertising easy and cheap divorce

Being the good refined author that I’m, I spied a paralegal service on the boulevard as I listened to an oldies station on the radio. It was going to be simple, quick, and low cost. As if the heavens opened up, the sunshine proven down on this little storefront that I’ll perpetually name… Sleazy Authorized. God was taking me to the Promised Land; the avenue from hell resulting in heaven and Sleazy Authorized was just like the gates of St. Peter opening up for me. Unbelievable! I used to be prepared to begin my life over and these folks had been going to make my divorce simple. Sleazy Authorized. Yeah!

I keep in mind my father telling me as he sat watching three TV’s on the identical time. “Ya get what ya pay for…do not buy low cost booze, do not date low cost girls, do not buy low cost condoms and do not low cost out.”

Ah ha! Now in my fifties, however nonetheless in my adolescent rebellious section, I made a decision to do it my method, and never take my father’s recommendation. I used to be going get this divorce over quick and low cost. I had visions of going as much as the membership and seeing my buddies who had been all in messy costly divorces and telling them, “My divorce value just a few hundred {dollars}, and it was achieved within the blink of an eye fixed. HA HA to you.”

Sitting on the desk at Sleazy Authorized was a reasonably lady in her mid forties who advised me how easy this was going to be. Signal the papers, pay us, pay a submitting price to the courtroom and voilà. My now ex-wife, as keen as I used to be to place the hellish escapades of marital futility behind us willingly signed the papers and I paid the charges and the 2 of us waited and waited. Godot was coming sooner than this divorce.

As I inquired infrequently as to what was taking so lengthy, the nice lady on the desk advised me about her personal divorce, the issues she had with males, her numerous escapades and her hopes for the longer term. I could not assist pondering that she was pondering I used to be the person of her future. Dream on wing-nut, I used to be nonetheless licking my wounds, with a 1,000 yard stare in my eyes, battle weary and overwhelmed down. Girls weren’t in my future.

My daughter requested me why I wasn’t relationship and advised me regardless that I used to be outdated I used to be nonetheless good wanting sufficient to search out somebody. I requested her this query. “Nikki, for those who went searching for bananas would you purchase a yellow banana or a brown banana?’ She checked out me and requested, “Do you assume I am silly? I’d purchase a yellow banana.” I stated, “Precisely, as a result of once I go to the connection retailer I all the time get the brown bananas. I am not going to the connection retailer anymore.”

As time dripped on, I continued to have periodic conversations with the on the lookout for love, middle-aged lady along with her personal issues at Sleazy Authorized. The conversations went like this:

Me: Any information? 
Her: No. 
Me: When will we all know one thing? 
Her: I do not know. 
Me: Okay, goodbye. 
Her: Okay, goodbye.

Then abruptly she disappeared and the Proprietor took over. The Proprietor was a hell of actress, the perfect. As a director I’ve labored with a few of the biggest together with Jessica Lange, Teri Garr, Sally Kellerman and this gal topped all of them. She made me assume she knew what she was doing. She would deal with my case personally. WOW! The proprietor of Sleazy Authorized was going to lastly make this simple. YIPPIE!!! She was going to resolve this.

What would comply with was a sequence of cover-ups and lies that will dwarf these executed by such American icons as Dick Nixon. This may flip right into a actuality sequence. I may not get my divorce, however man these had been some weirdos and as a author I attempted to persuade myself that this was nice materials. Nevertheless, I wished my F***ING DIVORCE!

Anyway, Sleazy Authorized had misfiled the papers. Sleazy Authorized had lied to me. Sleazy Authorized had forgotten to ship the submitting price to the courtroom. Sleazy Authorized was giving me the dance of dances, the Cha Cha Cha, the Tango and the Hustle multi functional transfer.

Sleazy Authorized had screwed the pooch and I used to be the pooch. Ouch! Nevertheless, an awesome character was rising within the proprietor of Sleazy Authorized. She was the kind of person who I might use over and over in screenplays and telefilms. She broke the mould. I used to be comfortable, as it’s laborious to create characters like this. No, I wasn’t comfortable! I WANTED MY F***ING DIVORCE!

One evening once I was significantly exasperated, I despatched an electronic mail to the proprietor of Sleazy Authorized stating my displeasure and wanting a decision. What got here again was an electronic mail that was so riddled with spelling and grammatical errors that Miss Benefit my seventh grade English instructor would have dropped lifeless. And so, I simply could not assist myself and determined to right her electronic mail in pink, highlighting her spelling and grammatical errors. I despatched again the corrected model together with these questions: 

Pricey Proprietor of Sleazy Authorized,

Is it attainable that you’re so certain that all the pieces you probably did was proper and that you simply by no means ever made any errors of any sort in regard to my divorce? Is it attainable within the realm of actuality that you could possibly have made some errors seeing that on this one paragraph of writing there are seventeen spelling errors and 13 grammatical errors? In case you made thirty errors in a single paragraph, is it attainable that you could possibly have made one careless mistake in my submitting?

After this alternate, the proprietor of Sleazy Authorized returned all my paper work after the courtroom despatched it again for the second time due to errors by Sleazy Authorized.

Feeling sorry for myself after ready over a 12 months for an inexpensive divorce, I employed a excessive priced household lawyer who appeared on the paperwork and noticed the errors, fastened it, filed it and voilà, our divorce was closing six months later. Almost two years to get this achieved.

As I sat staring on the divorce papers, I assumed again to my father. When he advised me to not date low cost girls, drink low cost booze, and many others., I want he had admonished me by no means to rent low cost authorized. You do get what you pay for.

Oh, and by the best way. I went again to the connection retailer and located an ideal yellow banana.

Rocky Lang, is the creator of eight books together with “If You Thought Your Divorce Was Dangerous…Wait Till You Learn This E book!“, “Rising Up Hollywood – Tales From the Son of a Hollywood Mogul” and “Confessions of Emergency Room Physicians.” He’s additionally a producer of main movement footage and Telefilms. He lives in Los Angeles. Twitter @rockylang or rockylang.com

And for those who’re drawn by the flashy indicators and adverts promising a hassle-free low cost divorce, please proceed with warning. I do know you do not have cash to throw away, however do not skimp on one thing that has the potential to have an effect on the remainder of your life. Generally it truly is greatest to rent a lawyer to get the job achieved proper the primary time.

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